What about cupcakes?

A few years ago I fell in love with baking cupcakes. I really wanted to open a bakery or at least I thought I did. I had continued to toy with the idea, I have taken cake decorating, I have made a few cakes and I really enjoy it! Then comes the but what are you doing about it?

Well, I am learning the difference between a hobby and a real dream. I have dabbled in a number of things over the years and most have left me with "Oh that's just Shani." "Shani doesn't really finish things." "Shani doesn't really stick with things." "Shani..." fill in the blank. It's kinda crazy what that does to someone's self view. I have begun to realize most everything I have dabbled in has led me to this moment in time. All have pointed out what was actually very important to me. Now I am beginning to dream again and beginning to embrace the beautiful creation G-d made me to be... but I digress. What about the cupcakes!?! :)

Well, in starting to really fight MS I have had to pause and really look at what I consume. There are things both digested and external that create an inflammatory response within your immune system. This in turn creates mass havoc in my life when not managed. Regularly baking cakes exposes me to one of the biggest villains, SUGAR. I will continue to bake for people but the business idea has been released.

Now, I am doing something I love through a company I respect. It has changed my life, it focuses on my health, has pushed me to dream again and is in turn encouraging me to help others achieve the same. I am not a trainer. I am not a nutritionist. I am not an athlete. I am a coach. I was groomed at Suncoast under the motto of "People Helping People" and that journey continues with my Beach Body business. I am so excited to help people achieve their health & fitness goals!

Until the next post...

ROCK YOUR GOALS! You are WORTH IT!

That was then, this is now.

I have a million thoughts running through my mind. Things to catch up on, things to do in the house, decisions to be made, what to make for dinner, which drugs should I take if any, is the laundry done? To be honest, I just want to withdrawal into my shell like a tortoise and hide from life.

But, that really isn't how life works so...I'm doing what I can.
One step at a time, one foot in front of the other.
BAHAHAHAHAHA - remember in the last post I mentioned G-d using the radio to speak to me?  I have Steven Curtis Chapman playing and as I am writing the previous line about one step at a time the song "Take Another Step" came on. I have to smile. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up! It does make me pause, remember that G-d wrote me a fairy tale, take a deep breath and realize...
He hasn't finished writing.

Now for the original post. :)
The photos below show two DRASTICALLY different women.
The one on the left was alone. She felt unworthy. She was broken more than she even knew. She didn't know who she was. She did not believe she was capable. She felt worthless.

The one on the right...oh what a difference!
No longer alone. Covered in love. Learning where she got stuck. Identifying what is important to her and pursuing goals. DREAMING for the first time in a really LOOOOONG time!

G-d has used NUMEROUS things to bring me healing. The one that has been a drastic catalyst for change and the one that has helped change me from the inside out...becoming a Beach Body Coach!  I NEVER would have thought in a million years that it would have the impact that it has had.

I am dreaming!
I know who I am!
I know what I like and why!
I am confident!

I AM CAPABLE!

Beach Body isn't for everyone but I would be remiss if I didn't extend to you an opportunity, an invitation to take a sneak peak look into the thing that has made such a huge impact in my life.

No pressure! When I first was looking into the opportunity I tip toed around. It was 9 months before I even asked my coach if I could join the sneak peek but with a solid "don't expect anything from me." HAHA NOW look at me! I love the products, I love the program AND I love the business!
 Beyond even that I LOVE the woman I am becoming!

The sneak peek group begins next Monday comment with "interested" below or on FB. A private message is good too. :)
The group is is a free, no-pressure, no-obligation experience.

(Wearing the clothes I wore in my original race in both photos.)

The Villain in My Brain or When G-d plays DJ - Update

Short version: The diagnosis of MS has been confirmed.

The original spot (or scar) has actually healed but new spots have popped up everywhere. The Dr. wants me to start disease modification drugs. 

I have such a difficult time with physicians. On one hand they don't really know anything about the disease but on the other they are convinced that if you don't do the drugs that in 20 years you will be in a wheel chair. *sigh*

I don't know what happens from here. 

I DO know that G-d seemed to go out of His way to comfort my soul. Right down to playing DJ.
I kid you not EVERY SINGLE SONG had at least one line that felt as if G-d was speaking very loudly and very clearly. You know how Bumble Bee uses the radio to communicate in the Transformer movies? Yea, it kinda felt like that. :)

The Villain in My Brain

Today is the day. Today is the follow up appointment with the neurologist.

What is MS?

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a nervous system disease that affects your brain and spinal cord. It damages the Myelin sheath, the material that surrounds and protects your nerve cells.     (I think of it as the plastic coating on power cords) This damage slows down or blocks messages between your brain and your body, leading to the symptoms of MS. (Think of it as two exposed wires touching.)

Symptoms can include but are not limited to:

• Visual disturbances
• Muscle weakness
• Trouble with coordination and balance
• Sensations such as numbness, prickling, or "pins and needles"
• Thinking and memory problems

No one knows what causes MS. It may be an autoimmune disease, which happens when your immune system attacks healthy cells in your body by mistake. Multiple sclerosis affects women more than men. It often begins between the ages of 20 and 40. Usually, the disease is mild, but some people lose the ability to write, speak, or walk.

There is no single test for MS. Doctors use a medical history, physical exam, neurological exam, MRI, and other tests to diagnose it. There is no cure for MS, but medicines may slow it down and help control symptoms. Physical and occupational therapy may also help.

We leave soon to see the Dr. I feel like there is a game of Russian Roulette happening in my brain. What I know for certain is THIS if I'm good at the Doctor's office and don't bite anyone I get a PSL! I think right now that might be what matters to me the most.

MRIs

From the time I was a little girl there were only three things I wanted to be: a missionary, a wife and a mom. In my twenties I did some missionary work and I completed the last two when I married the love of my life in August 2012. G-d wrote me a Divine fairy tale but that is a story for another time. This story is about a villain lurking in my own brain.

The week after I returned from my honeymoon I drove back and forth to Tampa (3hrs round trip w/o traffic jams) for work. It was a CRAZY stressful week. My first day back in the office I hadn't been there 20 minutes and I was in the bathroom in tears but that is a different villain, different story.

By weeks end my eyes hurt. They were tired and ached like eyes do when you have been in the pool too long. By Sunday my left eye had moved and I could look at you and see the opposite side of the room at the same time. The Dr.s called it double vision.

Long story short steroids were prescribed, MRIs ordered and the final diagnosis handed to me was MS - Multiple Sclerosis. 

I have fought everything and everyone (myself too) about this for the past two years. 

I know everyone faces challenges. I do not negate those nor do I think mine are better, worse, or more challenging than anyone else's. They are just mine.

Top 20 Life-Stressors

Death of a family member

Terminal illness (one’s own or a family member)

Physical incapacitation, chronic pain, or chronic illness

Drug or alcohol abuse (self)

Drug or alcohol abuse (family member, partner)

Divorce

Marriage

Loss of job or job change

Moving house

Change of school (primarily for children or teens, but this can effect adults, too)

Primary relationship problems (spouse or parent/child/sibling)

Persistent Relationship Problems, non-primary (difficulties with other family members, conflict and loss of friends, difficulties with coworkers)

Academic problems (poor grades, inability to retain information, problems with teachers, unable to meet deadlines)

Occupational problems (lateness, absences, problems with boss or coworkers)

Victim of abuse

Victim of crime

Criminal actions towards others

Abusive actions towards self or others

Extreme loneliness/lack of community membership or friendships

Severe financial problems (including tax problems!)

I have highlighted the life stressors that I have faced (either a brand new experience or a ghost from my past that chose to haunt me) in the past 2 1/2-3 years. Some have been more relentless than others.

I have not handled all well, perfectly, or graciously. I am tired.

I finally gave in and found a new primary care physician. I liked her. She referred me to a new neurologist. I liked her too. I had a second set of MRIs taken. This coming Tuesday Dan and I will go for the appointment to find out what is going on. I never really should have been given such a hard straight up "YOU HAVE" diagnosis. There wasn't anything to compare. Now we have something to compare. I am tired. I am scared. My faith is being challenged. All I can do is pray...L-rd help! It's all I've got right now.

There is a little boy, Kylan, that I run for, he fights Spina Bifida. He had surgery when he was one day old. I can't imagine. I can't imagine the feelings/emotions his parents had to face. I do know this...in moments when the pile of poo is getting to me I stop and think of my buddy Kylan dancing to Elmo and it just makes me smile!

Running

So, I finally conquered the back to school bug and the knee is feeling better. I got out and went for a run last night. Here is a little bit about me and why I run.

My first race ever! RunDisney Tangled Family 5k Feb/2012

My first 1/2 Marathon Feb/2013

Summer/Fall 2011
I was hanging out with a guy (henceforth known as "The Toad"). Things were going well or so they seemed. I had not been out of my dark ages (the time I spent away from the L-rd and all things having to do with Him.) very long. In my pondering I thought "I should return to the last time I was truly "happy" for me (at the time) that was missionary work. I mentioned this in conversation with The Toad and the puppy dog face I got in return was pitiful. So, I tapped the breaks. (Total chick move on my part and this is one time it wasn't stupid.)

Fast forward a few months and the internal realization (there was never a real moment of honesty from the parties involved) that The Toad had started a relationship with one of my friends stabbed me in the heart. I remember crashing to the floor, raising my hands and saying L-rd it's Yours. Help me trust You!

The pain was still there, the feelings were still there. The gut wrenching stress of it all was still there. I did the only thing I knew - I put on my sneakers and ran! I ran more and more. Then I started to enjoy it. I decided a 5k would keep me inspired. I signed up for RunDisney's Tangled Family 5k (Feb 2012), started dating my husband that weekend and the rest is history. ;)

Then health issues attacked (Aug 2012) and a Nuerologist's PA told me that I shouldn't run. Well, all that did was make me say "yeah, watch me!" then I conquered my first 1/2 Marathon at the next Princess weekend in February 2013. (The 5k and the 1/2 are my favorite distances.)

Why do I run now?
As of late with all the healing G-d is doing in me I'm getting away from running. I started running because I was hurt and angry. I am not that woman anymore.

I once held lofty goals for myself, ridiculous even, regarding running. Now I run for my buddy Kylan (he fights Spina Bifida) and as a means to process life and pray for others.

I still have a few running goals but the drive just isn't the same.

I think for now I'll just let Shaun T teach me to be "fly".

9/11

9/11 stirs a million memories for every American. We can remember exactly where we were, the shock and confusion we felt. The horror of it all.

Beyond the national memories we each have personal memories. Things we were going through as individuals at the time. I think one of my personal memories just might be one of the most ridiculous experiences of my life. The man I had been dating (we weren't even together at the time of 9/11) chose to propose to me via e-mail. Yes, e-mail. Here at Prine Manor we refer to him as "the place holder."  After all I dated him for WAY TO LONG and it kept other "toads" away while G-d held me in reserve for Dan.

All I know is I was a BROKEN, ANGRY mess. I am GRATEFUL that G-d does in fact work all things together for my good. He gave me a King and has been healing me from the inside out.